We all have a friend who will shower you with praise and then inevitably add a spoonful of criticism at the end.
After sincere compliments, suddenly comes a dig — disguised as concern, but a frankly unpleasant comment.
‘You looked stunning at your birthday party! Your dress was gorgeous! But your hairstyle... Well, I don't know, something was off...’
Sound familiar?
Such ‘fly in the ointment’ comments are not just annoying trifles. They are manipulations, often unconscious, but no less toxic for that. And if you ignore them or let them go, the situation will repeat itself over and over again.
Why can't you keep quiet?
Silence is permission. When you don't respond to such remarks, you are implying that they are acceptable. This means that your friend (or colleague, relative) will continue to feed off your energy, slightly belittling you to make themselves feel better.
But open aggression is not the answer either. Shouting, sarcasm, and rudeness will only show that you are hurt, which means that the manipulation has worked.
How can you put someone in their place?
Instead of getting angry or defending yourself, shift the conversation to a place of awareness. Ask a calm, open-ended question that disarms the other person.
"Honey, why did you make that unpleasant comment to me just now?
Why it works:
- You are not attacking, but asking a question that makes the other person think.
- The person will either realise how toxic they are or reveal their true motives (envy, need for superiority).
- You keep a cool head and don't play emotional games.
2. Direct but polite boundary setting
If your friend does this all the time, could you let her know that such comments are inappropriate?
Example:
‘You know, I've noticed that you often add something unpleasant to your compliments. I don't think that's very friendly. If you want to discuss something, say it directly. And if you want to be supportive, it's better to leave out the “but”.’
Why it works:
- You are not accusing, but stating a fact.
- You are showing that you notice the manipulation and are not willing to tolerate it.
- You are setting clear rules for communication.
3. ‘Mirror’ — show her how it sounds. Sometimes people don't realise how toxic their words are. Let them feel it.
Example:
‘Oh, thank you! By the way, you look great today, too! The dress is a little tight, but overall it's beautiful!’ (Say it in the same tone as she did.)
Why it works:
- The person hears how their words sound.
- It's non-aggressive, but very clear.
If the person doesn't get it and continues to reveal their true feelings from the perspective of a caring and loving friend, take off their mask. ‘Honey, do you need to work on your insecurities right now? Please don't do it at my expense. See a psychologist.’
This way, you don't let them hide behind false excuses.
Conclusion: Why is this necessary?
- You stop being a victim of toxic comments.
- You teach people to treat you with respect.
- You maintain your self-esteem by not allowing anyone to undermine it.
‘Life is too short to put up with hidden aggression.’
These words are not just a pretty phrase, but a guide to action for a woman who knows her worth. Ask yourself: ‘Why do I need this? It's unpleasant and disrespectful. I don't want to hear it.’
‘If someone truly values you, they will accept your boundaries.’
Herein lies the key point: your reaction is not just a response to a single situation, but the formation of new rules of communication. When you calmly but firmly indicate that such comments are inappropriate, a natural selection takes place. True friends will think about it, apologise, and become more attentive. Those who take offence or continue to play the ‘spoil sport’ will exclude themselves from your circle — simply because their usual pattern of behaviour will no longer work.
‘If not, then it's not your loss.’
This is not cruelty, but healthy psychological hygiene. Breaking up with toxic people — even if they hide behind a mask of friendship — frees up space for those who know how to give pure support. Imagine: instead of analysing ‘what did she mean this time,’ you get a sincere: ‘You were amazing! That look is your absolute triumph!’ No ‘buts,’ no whispering behind your back.
Do you know how to apply this in practice?
- Create a ‘one warning rule.’ After the first polite but clear boundary setting (see methods above), you will immediately understand who you are dealing with: a person capable of dialogue or a source of constant negativity.
- Measure the value of relationships by quality, not duration. Twenty years of acquaintance are no excuse for such manipulation.
- Train your ‘emotional immunity.’ When you are internally confident that criticism about your hairstyle, weight, or age only reflects the critic's issues, their words lose their power.
Our task is not to re-educate everyone, but to surround ourselves with people who don't need to have the rules explained to them.
Read my articles
https://stattya.com/how-to-stop-suffering-acceptance-instead-of-resistance-154
https://stattya.com/how-mentally-healthy-am-i-checklist-153
https://stattya.com/how-to-survive-the-crisis-755
https://stattya.com/love-addiction-normal-or-abnormal-the-psychology-behind-falling-in-love-171
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