‘I know that checking his phone is wrong, but I can't stop...’ Suppose you are familiar with this agonising state, when your mind understands the absurdity of your suspicions, but your heart is gripped by fear. In that case, this article will help you understand the causes of jealousy and find ways to achieve a harmonious relationship.
According to a study by VTsIOM, 68% of Russians admit to experiencing intense jealousy at least once, and for 25%, this feeling becomes a serious problem that undermines trust in a relationship. But why do we continue to torment ourselves and our partners, even when we understand how destructive this behaviour is?
The nature of jealousy: a protective mechanism that has failed
Jealousy is an evolutionary mechanism that helped our ancestors protect their relationships and offspring. But in the modern world, this instinct often works against us. Psychologists identify three components of jealousy:
- Cognitive— our thoughts and interpretations of situations
- Emotional— fear, anger, resentment
- Behavioural— the actions we take
The problem begins when these components spiral out of control. Interestingly, according to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people with low self-esteem experience jealousy three times more often than those who are confident.
5 types of jealousy: which one are you?
- Anxious— fear of losing your partner
- Possessive— ‘you belong only to me’
- Projective— attributing your own thoughts to your partner
- Reflective— when you have been unfaithful yourself and expect the same
- Preventive— jealousy ‘just in case’
Identifying your type is the first step to working on the problem. For example, possessive jealousy often stems from childhood, when a child felt that they had to earn their parents' love.
The physiology of jealousy: what happens in the body
When we are jealous, a real biochemical storm occurs in the body:
- Cortisol (the stress hormone) is produced
- Your heart rate increases
- Your blood pressure rises
- Your muscles tense up
In essence, the body reacts to jealousy as if it were a real threat. Chronic jealousy can lead to:
- Insomnia
- Gastrointestinal problems
- Weakened immunity
- Depression
7 steps to getting rid of toxic jealousy
1. Analyse your triggers
Start a journal and write down the following for a week:
- Situations that cause jealousy
- Your thoughts at those moments
- Physical sensations
- Subsequent actions
This will help you identify patterns.
2. Develop awareness
When you feel jealousy coming on:
- Stop
- Take three deep breaths
- Ask yourself: ‘What am I feeling right now?’
- ‘What evidence do I have for my suspicions?’
3. Work on your self-esteem
Every day:
- Write down 3 of your strengths
- Think of situations where you showed yourself in the best light
- Practice self-compassion
4. Developing trust
Start small:
- Share your feelings without blame
- Learn to accept uncertainty
- Focus on the quality of communication, not control
5. Creating a ‘circle of safety’
Decide together with your partner:
- What behaviour is acceptable
- What boundaries are essential to both of you
- How to show care without controlling
6. Redirect your energy
When jealousy strikes:
- Do some exercise
- Call a friend
- Start a creative project
- Do something nice for yourself
7. Practise gratitude
Every evening, write down:
- 3 good moments in your relationship
- 3 qualities you appreciate in your partner
- 1 situation where you dealt with jealousy
When is it time to seek help?
Professional counselling is necessary if:
- Jealousy lasts more than 6 months
- Compulsive behaviour appears (stalking, checking)
- You have thoughts of self-harm
- The relationship is on the verge of breaking up
- Physical symptoms appear (insomnia, weight loss)
Jealousy is not a death sentence for your relationship. It is a signal that it is time to understand yourself better, work through your fears, and learn to trust. Remember: healthy relationships are built on freedom, not control. You deserve love without fear or suspicion.
Read my articles
https://stattya.com/depression-as-a-form-of-silent-protest-the-unspoken-cry-for-change-201
https://stattya.com/love-addiction-normal-or-abnormal-the-psychology-behind-falling-in-love-171
https://stattya.com/toxic-productivity-what-is-it-and-how-to-live-with-it-645
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