3 techniques that can help
Self-esteem does not change overnight. But it can be gradually strengthened by training your ability to notice what is happening to you and respond consciously.
How to do it
- Mindfulness technique ‘Stop’
When a wave of self-criticism arises (‘I'm terrible,’ ‘everyone else is better,’
‘I can't say anything’), the first task is to notice that it has started.
Say to yourself: ‘Stop. What is happening to me right now?’ Describe your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations.
Please be sure to shift your attention to your breathing and take a breath in and out. Your breathing can become an anchor that brings you back to the present.
Notice what is happening inside your body, what position you are sitting in. Shift your focus to the world around you: visual images, smells, sounds.
Please take a look at what you feel as you observe the world around you now.
‘Who is saying this?’
For many people, their inner critic sounds like someone else's voice: their parents, teachers, or former partners.
Ask yourself:
‘Who was the first person to say these words to me?’
It often turns out that we are simply repeating the past.
Praise
Try to honestly find at least one thing you can praise yourself for. Something small. Even if it seems like ‘nothing special.’
Now pay attention to what your inner critic says in response.
For example:
— ‘That's nonsense, anyone could have done that.’
— ‘It was just a fluke.’
— ‘You just got lucky.’
Don't ignore the response. Behind it are specific beliefs that undermine your self-esteem. You don't need to argue with them; notice them.
Understanding ≠ acceptance. But it's the first step towards dialogue with yourself.
Recognising your strengths doesn't mean becoming conceited. It allows you to see yourself as a whole, not just through the lens of criticism.
Bonus
What to do when your inner critic devalues everything?
For example: you have a thought — ‘I'm great for doing that.’
The critic responds: ‘Big deal, it's nothing.’
- Acknowledge their voice without agreeing with them
Don't try to argue on equal terms. This is not a debate.
It's better to say:
‘I hear that you don't think this is important. But it was important to me.’
This response neither escalates the conflict nor agrees with it.
It puts you back in the position of an adult and allows the critic to have a voice.
Please know that criticism is essential.
Yes, it almost always has a purpose. It is trying to protect something, such as from shame, mistakes, or embarrassment. It just does it in a way that breaks everything.
Ask them:
‘What are you trying to achieve with that tone?’
The usual answer will be:
— ‘So you don't screw up.’
— ‘So you don't slack off.’
— ‘So you don't look stupid.’
And here you have an opportunity to steer the conversation in a different direction:
‘I understand that you want to help me, thank you for that. But I'm not the person who can't do anything anymore. I don't need to be pressured.’
Bring the focus back to the facts
If the critic says, ‘You just got lucky,’ respond with facts:
‘Yes, I was lucky — but I also put in the effort. I didn't give up. I tried. That's important too.’
You can take away the power of your inner critic without destroying it. I just wanted to let you know that your task is not to remain silent under pressure or turn everything into a fight.
Ask yourself:
‘If I didn't believe that I was “not good enough”, what would I do?’
‘And if someone else said that to me out loud, would I talk to them?’
‘What could I replace self-criticism with to continue growing, but without the pressure?’
When you believe criticism, it becomes not just a voice in your head, but a picture of the world. Then dialogue with it is no longer possible because you are on its side.
Read my articles
https://stattya.com/depression-as-a-form-of-silent-protest-the-unspoken-cry-for-change-201
https://stattya.com/love-addiction-normal-or-abnormal-the-psychology-behind-falling-in-love-171
https://stattya.com/the-power-of-gratitude-why-its-so-important-for-your-well-being-280
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